[walter geist]
[Time: 7'21"]
[Lyrics: Andy Wagner]
[First performed December 5, 1998 -- show #17]
[Appears as track #8 on "Mainstream Mayhem"]
[Tim: electric bass, Nevin: viola, Jamie: drumkit, percussion, vocals, Andy: guitar, vocals, Thom: piano, vocals]


Following in the tradition of "Twelve Foot Minotaur," Holy Mary,
Mother of Bert presents another battle ballad, this time depicting
a possessed wheelchair named Walter Geist and a centenarian
ex-martial arts expert named Agnes. Full of references guaranteed to amuse
and/or offend, prepare to be enlightened.


the moon is pared to a crescent
which shines down on these convalescents
serves as a source of light
and an excuse for lunacy

at least that's the theory proffered
by a nursing staff who can't quite explain
how an octugenarian demon named walter
can claim a wheelchair as his hellish domain

walter geist... age can turn on you

here comes ethel, wielding her rosary
while melvin cowers behind a tv guide
and thelma's feet dangle from two fresh holes in the wall
the price paid for taking a ride

and the wheelchair spins in a donut
and walter's voice sepulchrally intones
"have a seat, i'll drive you to the dining room,
but it's i who will feast on your bones!"

walter geist... age can turn on you

there were promises of peace and rest
after decades of labor and giving their best
now the bingo games are ruined
and the hairdresser quit
and you can't even sit
and have a lousy piece
of pecan pie

so they all wrote letters to their congressmen
asking for help, but when they tried to explain
no one believed it, they wrote it off
as products of atrophied, senile brains

so they put an ad in the large-print reader's digest
and a hundred-year-old subscriber in idaho
who was an ex-martial arts trainer named agnes
grabbed her cane, and yelled, "this chair's ass is toast!"

walter geist... age can turn on you

she hopped a greyhound, and sped to the nursing home
and found walter lying prostrate on his side
with the spokes of his chair whittled down to blades
about to commit centenariancide

agnes let out a scream like a vulture
and flung herself through the air balanced on her stick
she was headed for the blades, and would have surely been pureed
if her thinking had not been so quick

she wedged her cane into the wheelchair's blade-spokes
and prayed that its sturdy wood would hold
she locked up the wheels, and thus catapulted walter
out the window and into the cold...
(and this would be an opportune time to mention that this nursing home was actually located on the eighty-seventh floor of a skyscraper complex.)

walter geist... age can turn on you

the wheelchair was broken, and thus walter exorcised
and the patients then returned to their otherwise humdrum lives
except they all take classes now in ju jitsu and kung fu
from agnes who stops by every aftertoon at two
the tv guides were traded for back issues of "black belt times"
and the craft classes gave up doilies to make nunchuks, bos, katanas, and sais
and everyone sleeps much better underneath the cresent moon
knowing they're safe
from the wheelchair
of walter geist.


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